It is not often that I reveal myself to the world. It’s actually quite impossible when you are the person I am. Strong people can’t break down. Happy, positive people came be sad. It confuses people. When you are the one constantly lifting people up around you, when you are down who lifts you up? Those people don’t know how. If they did they would lift themselves up though they try. Subsequently, you are left to pick you up.
It is nights like this when vodka has run its course, when I can’t tell a single soul the anguish that lives inside of me. The groughling demons that haunt me. Tears fall calmly, pain shortens my breath. I am afraid. Thoughts run like a stampede across my mind. Is anyone there? Can you hear me? Can you see me?
You’re probably wondering what is wrong. The answer is I don’t know. I have so many questions.
Will I ever forgive my father for not wanting me? For still not wanting to get to know the brilliance that half of his DNA created? Will I ever stop making the same old mistakes? Longing to give someone love that was never taught to me but was found innate in me. Do I really want a child, or do I just want to make others happy, love something that for years will adore me out of pure innocence? Do the ones who say they love me, genuinely do?
Will I become a failure? Am I mediocre? Am I as confident as I display, or am I putting on? Why, Dear God am I a tortured soul? Why is it that every person I come in contact with can see my rareness but the ones that I am close to, the ones who say they love me, the ones who I share blood with take me for granted?
Will I ever succeed?
Will I trust again?
Will I ever lose this weight?
Will I ever lose this fear?
Will I ever stop crying.
- #TotallyRandie