I am probably the biggest mess you will ever meet. A true survivor ever since I could remember, but a lover of pain, lusting after torture. I am my biggest mistake. A tortured soul. How do you run from yourself? To tell you the truth, I don’t even know how I got here. How did I become this woman? Was it my childhood? Was it my parents? Or is it just the way my chromosomes match up? Why do I love so hard? Why do I feel peoples pain? Why is my empathy on a level that I don’t find often in others?
I feel alone. I have always felt alone. From the time I was born all the way up to my pseudo-marriage. If I truly think about it, I would have to conclude that I have never felt real love. My earliest memories (3 years of age) are tragedy filled. From then on all my happy moments have only been silver linings. I only know how to love others. I only know how to care for and show compassion for others. Its only in my older years now that I am realizing I need what I have been giving others all these years. I feel like I am suffocating in my own skin.
When my car got broken into and my purse got stolen, I was a majorly depressed, trying not to shed tears. He gave me his pep talk then went back to his routine, basketball, tv shows. How could he not see that I needed him to hold me to tell me everything will be ok. To try and cheer me up. He just left me to console myself. He just left me to hold myself. He saw me crying and didn’t even come hug me or kiss me to make it better. When I needed him the most he left me to take care of myself. And the fights, lord the fights, they seem to be never ending.
I can’t even blame my husband for not knowing how to love me. I never required him too. If I’m being honest I think he is with me because he feels obligated because of my big heart. I stuck with him in the early years and now he feels like he owes it to me to stay around. But I don’t think he loves me like I love him. I don’t think I love myself. I accept whatever someone gives me. I always have. I found love in giving 100% of myself to people non-deserving. I found love in listening and trying to “save” people. From what you ask? From everything, from anything, from themselves, from others, from situations.My name is Isabel Dandridge, and I am a therapist.