I struggled getting out the bed this morning. I had to fight myself just brush my teeth. But I did it, I got out the house today. Today marks a year that I have been living without my father. If i am being honest, I have been holding it together all year just to unravel and fall apart on this day. I knew I was taking off today. I would do nothing but see my son off to daycare, lay in bed, and wallow in my tears. But a wise man suggested not mourning my father but celebrating him instead. So that’s what I did I got up, went to the gym, picked up my son and headed home.
I’m the type of friend that programs in her phone when someone loses a loved one because death is extremely painful, definitely an enemy. This year I added myself: “Check on yourself.” I attempted to keep myself in good spirits, driving down 59 with my dad’s favorite group at ignorant levels, singing at the top of my lungs:
“Sunshine, Blue Skies, please go away! My girl has found another and gone away. With her went my future, my life is filled with gloom. So day after day, I stay locked up in my room. I know to you, it might sound strange, but how i wish that it would rain!” -The Temptations.
Happy memories began to flood my mind. Me singing with daddy as we watch the movie. Me turning the den into a 1960’s barber shop as I wrapped his face with a warm towel and prepped to shave him. He really loved that. Then i thought of our fishing trips, random dinners, Bobby Blue Bland, anniversaries, Richard Pryor, hospital visits, Gunsmoke, Fred Sanford, funny arguments between mommy and him, and tears began to swell. I tell myself to keep it together, only one more light until i get to the gym.
They say that it takes you twice as long as you been with a person to get over that person when you get your heartbroken. Well I should be coming out of the clouds then when I’m in my 60’s? My dad adopted me when i was 2 1/2 months old. We did everything together. To tell you the truth, I don’t know if I’m learning to live on this earth without my dad, I think Im more so surviving. I held it all together until I pulled into the driveway. The events of one year ago today smothered my mind and I began to cry. Sobbing. I had to remember that daddy is no longer suffering and that I have to be strong for my mom even though it weakens me inside.
It doesn’t matter how many people tell me I was an amazing daughter i still question it. I just need one more second, minute, day, hour. Countless nights i close my eyes hoping to see daddy in my dreams. One year later feels like yesterday.
im rambling guys
Love on your loved ones today.