Guest Blog: Jai Green
My name is Jackie Wright and I am a mess. My family is a good old middle class American family. Thousand-Aires is what I like to call us. We are far from rich, but we also have been fortunate enough not to want for anything. Daughter to old school parents, baby of 3 children (two older boys), and the only girl. It was like I was born to be the family stone. If there is a such thing as reverse bullyism, I think I experienced that. “Just Wright”, “Always Wright”, are names I was always called by classmates and by family. I was the one everyone relied on. Even though I was the youngest, I was the most reliable. Sounds like First World Problems to me. So why am I a mess?
My parents are 40+ years older than me. What does that mean? At 22 years of age I dropped out of college to take care of my father who code blued (died) twice and had to be resuscitated. I didn’t mind it. He was my father. How many times had he sacrificed for me? What sacrifices had he made that allowed me to grow into the woman I had become? I didn’t have to deal with all the emotions on my own, thankfully I had my boyfriend to vent to and distract me from what was truly going on in my life. I was losing me. Losing myself.
As time passed my father got a little better, my brothers got worst, and I multitasked to try and keep up. Babies came that they (my brothers) couldn’t take care of which left my mother and I to pick up where they left off. Dads health went up and down and the stress of me juggling work and helping my mother take care of the family injured my relationship which shortly afterwards ended.
Now here I am 10 years later my father not any better and excessively getting worst, and my mother showing signs of slowing down herself. The difference is this time I’m chasing my dreams but the guilt is eating away at me. The guilt is corroding my soul. I went by my mothers house last night and I saw her there alone. She’s not used to being alone. I asked her if she wanted me to stay, she said no. She told me she missed me. Tears began to swell but I couldn’t let them fall in front of her. I’m confused. Do I live my life? Or do I sacrifice my life for the parents who have sacrificed for me? Im in a new relationship and work is demanding. Im still there for my parents but not in the capacity that I used to be. I don’t want to be 50 never had experienced life, never followed my dreams, dedicated my life to others as I watched them I’ve theirs.
Is it selfish of me to want my own life? To for once make my own mistakes and not be as responsible as I’m used to being? It’s it selfish of me to chase my dreams? I’m so confused right now.
If you continue to over look your own needs you will become resentful. Pray and do yur best,seek balance. See if your parents can get assistance from the state agency on aging/DADS with caregiver assistance. This is someone who comes and assists with light housework, bathing etc. This is a process that can be involved. In the mean time see if your parents MD can assess them for the appropriateness of home health care. He would have to qualify as home bound. This means his out of house activity is very limited. In that xase he can get physical therapy ,occupational therapy, skilled nursing, home health aide etc if theD deems it necessary. Without knowing all your parents details, most people from what you described could at least use physical therapy and or an home health aide. Hope that helps. But dont by any means lay your lif aside. Praying for you, and see of you can find a prayer partner ……balance in these situations is so important