I Survived My First 30 Days As A Mother

“When a baby is born so is a mother” – Unknown

Being a mother is serious business. Here I am coming from pregnancy where I slept almost 14 hours a day only to wake up and not feel I haven’t went to sleep at all. To taking 30-60 minute cat naps and calling them sleep. Today makes 30 days that I have been a mother. I survived the first month of forever.

Want to know a secret? I had Lennox on Monday and was supposed to be released on Wednesday. I begged the doctor for an extra day, not to have more time to recover, not because something was wrong with Lennox, but because I was scared to take Lennox home. “Im going to break it”, I thought. I didn’t trust myself with him. He was too little, what If I hurt him, what if something happens. If only I could just live in the hospital, everything would be perfect. It didn’t matter that I had training in taking care of kids. This was new because I was new. I was no longer the old me, I was someone’s Mother.

I have never been a mother before so I’m learning everything new. I put expectations on myself thats impossible. Im supposed to be taking 6 weeks to heal and here I am trying to make sure everyone is good. Trying to make sure my brand doesn’t sink further down than it already has, trying to make sure baby Lennox comes first before everything including myself.

This month has been hard on me. It has been filled with struggles with breastfeeding, disappointments, a battle with depression from the absence of dead loved ones, break outs, and a fussy Lennox. Coupled with me trying not to be Dr. Google for every little bump that pops up on baby, or the fact that I think his outtie is a hernia. Topped off with petty arguments with Mez, the balance of holding baby but not to where my chest is the only thing he will sleep on, the itching need to drop this baby weight, the feelings of worthlessness, force feeding, back pain, and baby blues. To say it has been an interesting 30 days is an understatement.

Now here I am on the 6th day of September wondering if I am doing a good job. Wondering have I already failed my son. I know I need to stop giving life to negative thoughts but I can’t help but think about how nothing is going to plan. Then I think thats because there is no plan to parenthood. I am also telling myself that it’s ok to make mistakes because theres no way around not making them. I am something that I have never been before, a mother. It is a learning process and with learning and growth comes pain and mistakes. So today I celebrate the fact that I survived my first 30 days as a mother it isn’t an easy job but every day my some takes a breath I get rewarded for my work.

-B

*I always post Lennox on my Snap so follow me @TotallyRandie