Can you believe I pay for this site to be up monthly while going years without posting any content? I don’t even know who I am talking to because I’m not sure if anyone is still subscribed to this blog. The reason why I came here to write is simply that I have no one to talk to. Well, let me clarify, I have no one I can talk to about my problems that are not going to A. be solution-oriented when I’m not ready, B. FEEL a certain way about my thoughts, or C. be disappointed at what I’m about to tell strangers. Black Women perform wifely duties, parent, and go to work, in emotional, mental, and physical pain all while still smiling. I’m tired.
So where have I been? Let’s do a quick update. Most of you all know that I have had a child, got married, started a new job, COVID, lost said Job, became a full-time entrepreneur, got hit by a car (catch yourself up on my Instagram), got a therapist, and lost my therapist. Whew! that was a mouth full. All of this has me feeling like I am simply ready to end it all.
The person who hit us with a car took everything from me. I had just become a full-time entrepreneur in January of 2021, I had hit a sweet spot in media where I was getting consistent work and monthly partnerships and endorsements. Life wasn’t perfect, especially with my entire family kicking off 2021 at the end of January with COVID, but we were doing ok. To me, I was doing better than ok. Once we got hit all of my clients except for Forward Times left, Because I had massive damage to my face, my endorsements left as well. I was bleeding my savings and my marriage which already started in the bathroom, and by this time, was in the toilet. To make matters worst, I couldn’t find work if I had the FBI looking for me. Money was fleeting, I was in tremendous pain physically and emotionally. September of 2021-December 31st 2022 was the worst year of my life so far.
So where am I now? Today I looked up “charcoaling”, which is supposed to be a painful yet lethal way to end it all. I know, I know, I know, I know what you are thinking, but honestly, I am just so tired of my life being so full of pain! I feel like I pour so much of myself into people’s cups who wouldn’t even spit in mine. It sounds like it’s an easy fix, but it isn’t. When you have a good heart and look to truly be transparent and honest in a room full of wolves, you won’t stand a chance. I am not being and have not been loved properly in a very long time. I feel that I lost the only person in the world who loved me in November 2017 my Adopted Father. I’m not saying any of this to get sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m just simply tired of life. “Life is hard for everyone.” This is something we often say, even though we know that life is a little harder for those who don’t have clean running water, lights, or shelter period.
I wish I had the answers. I don’t. I’m only writing this just in case you who are reading this need to understand that someone else out there feels the same way that you do. Every day we wake up means we won the battle with Suicide. I have a son and I know leaving him will destroy him, but having a depressed mother will also destroy him. I have no solution. I only have pain. I brought him into this world knowing this is my life. Knowing that my life is pure hell and I feel responsible for his pain.
Thanks for letting me get that out. Welcome to 2023. As we go into the second quarter, how has the 1st quarter been for you? What are some goals for the second Quarter?
Hi Randy my name is Rhonda and I live in California Southern California. I’m having to use the text talk to text right now so bear with me if the words are kind of messed up okay thank you! Okay so where do I start ? I got to your site by searching for a poem on Google for my grandmother or generally just on grandmotherly type of you know love. And I found myself reading is it Angela Mary Lou Angelo her writing is wonderful is really does hit home with the way she you know expresses herself I love that. Then I strolled down and I saw your your website somehow and I came across this one of your archives I just randomly pushed one just to see you know what it was and one came up on the topic of love it was called love sick. I can really resonate with that article that you wrote and it really really hits home right now with me because I’ve been in this relationship with the man I’m with and off and on and for years and I’m just not I’m not really happy and I’ve been just trying to beat myself up you know cuz I I’m just so stuck cuz I love him so much and I want him to love me but you know how it goes and I just feel like I’m just miserable and unhappy and you know but I feel like I’ll be like that without him too so I don’t really know what to do you know just stuck sort of. But so I read that article and that really helped me a lot thank you for that thank you for taking the time to express yourself as you do and and to make a difference in other people’s lives because I’m a lot like that myself and I don’t get a lot of it back you know from people that can relate with me it’s like it seems like there’s a lot of people that can’t really relate with me the way I am you know I’m just too letting her to giving her just two emotional or whatever haha! I just have a lot of love and to give and I and I need a lot of love and I don’t get a lot of it you know so much as I need! And it sounds to me like you don’t either. We have a lot in common regarding our fathers and losing them and losing you know I’ve lost everybody in my family all my family members and my best friend when I was 18 it just goes on and on and on but I do have two kids grown kids Michael and Destiny. I had my son when I was 16 raised him pretty much on my own he turned out great he gets me he’s a good guy I put all I had into it though you know everything I had in me you know went to raising him and raising him well that’s one thing I’m very proud of. And then 12 years later I had my daughter and that’s just been so so difficult girls and boys are two different worlds you know and her dad and his family and you know the interaction you know and non interaction that’s you know affected her and my relationship with her and me and you know it’s just been a really heavy emotional you know nightmare pretty much. I’m at the point where I’m just reaching out to you because I don’t have anybody either that understands me that I can just you know call up whenever I want or whenever I need and just just to get me you know what I mean and support and have support and give support and just be there for each other but you know I think that’s what I need a lot but I don’t know what you need but maybe some time if that is what you need you know we can chitchat for a little while or something if you have time it might just be good for both of us if if so be it then so be it you have my email address so don’t hesitate to drop me a line let me know how you are doing on these days! I think that I found you cuz I was supposed to find you and I think you were supposed to find me maybe as crazy as that sounds I think that is a divine intervention so maybe we can help each other feel better just a little bit just that little bit every day that just helps you just be okay! I get it I totally get it! Okay Randy well I got to get going I hope you having a good day and write me back okay bye-bye Rhonda