I trusted someone with all my heart once. It was the best feeling of my life. Do you know what it feels like to believe in someone or something so much that your mind never questions, never hesitates, never doubts? It’s security. Then that trust was broken, smashed like glass hitting cement, like an iceberg hitting the Titanic; obliterated by one act of disloyalty. Sure on the surface the wound looks like it would heal, but internally the damage is still having an effect. They say when you boil something to a specific tenderness, you need to put it in cold water after you take it out of the boil. If you don’t, it will continue to cook. That’s what it means to break someones trust. If steps are not taken immediately to counteract the damage, it just continues to cause heartache. It rips through the figurative heart without any mercy. Our generation doesn’t know what it means to trust, build trust, or even maintain it.
All I wanted was to not get hurt again. I began to question myself, asking what I could have done differently, and what was my role in the wreckage. I told myself that next time I would do things differently. My trust wasn’t the same. People didn’t start off at 0 with me anymore, they were at -10 and if they wanted to stay in my life they would work their way up. They would work their way to earning my trust. I also told myself that I had to be honest with myself (when it came to what I wanted and needed), and with others. Doing “This” I thought, would help me get back on tract with trust. I did all of that when I met the new person. I was honest with them, and I was honest with myself. I put my trust in that person, I was loyal, I was honest, and I got betrayed again. The lesson I learned was that many humans throw around the word loyalty and trust but very few believe in the terms enough to put action behind their words.
Now I am at a crossroads. I no longer want to trust nor be trusted. I no longer want to be loyal or look for loyalty. I no longer want to be honest or be told the truth. I at times just want to be left alone. Then there are times where I want to give all of the good me to someone just as good. But I don’t see good people anymore. I see bad people pretending to be good. I see bad people wanting to reap the benefits of being with a good person. I see bad people tired of being with other bad people and wanting to be with a good person that can take the hurt they put out. I see bad people being blessed with good people to walk all over. Hurt is not something you can chew, swallow, and push out. Hurt is acid that has to burn its way thru.
Everyone wants to be trusted, but doesn’t know how to be loyal. Everyone wants loyalty either: without being loyal, or after betrayal. Everyone wants to be loved after hurting someone else. What about the good guys? Why do people always think the good ones are strong enough to take the hurt? What about the ones who are honest from the beginning, who put their trust, heart, and loyalty on the line? Why do the good guys always have to finish last?
By Guest Blogger: Jai Green