One thing we do not like to talk about as a society and understandably so is death. We are super desensitized by it, especially in this social media age. People post, re-post, tweet, and retweet videos of people dying everyday. However, we still as a whole do not like to talk about it. If you even began to speak about it people will say “don’t speak that over your life”, “why are you so morbid”, “why would you put that out in the universe”. We don’t want to think about our loved one dying or taking our last breath. Although we know sometime in the future, be it near or far, all of us have to die. So here I am once again semi-bleeding on paper, letting you into my fear of Death during delivery.
Child birth is extremely dangerous, and yes women die. I am not a doctor so I’m not about to go into detail with diagnosis and statistics. I have less than 13 days left before Lennox says Hello World and I am scared out of my mind. Because of my faith and various other reasons, I do not believe in blood transfusions. In fact, my doctor doesn’t want to be my doctor anymore because of my No Blood stance. So I already have a medical “strike” against me. Toss in a couple of medical issues and you have one stressed fruit cake! He told me that high blood pressure (preeclampsia) and hemorrhaging are among the top that are still killing women. Imagine the look on my face.
Tears comes to my eyes when I think of my son growing up without me. As he moves in my belly right this moment, I think of mommy/son dates, haircuts, field service, hugs, secret handshakes, and a plethora of other things. How he will forever have a void longing for the other half of him. I won’t even see him take his first step, say his first word, cut his first tooth. There won’t be any goodnight kisses, or internet dancing challenges. It just burns to know that there is even a percentage of a possibility that I wont be in his life.
Then its everything else. Have I been a good human? Did I do enough with my life? Am I written down in Jehovah’s book of life? Was I a good daughter? Did Demez know exactly how much I loved him? I still have so much to do. I still have so many places to explore. I still have so much love to give and so much room to receive. I admit there has been plenty of times where I wished death upon myself. To add insult to injury, I have even attempted to take my precious God given gift. But its something so sobering about actually facing death. It wakes you up. The price of Life goes up. The price of Time goes up. Things that you chased now seems so vain. Your job takes a back seat, strained relationships/friendships fade to black. All that matters now is what you are going to do with your last moments.
If the worst should happen where I die bringing my child to the earth, I hope the memory bring forth smiles. I hope that my family never let a moment pass without taking the opportunity to tell Lennox how much mommy loved him and how happy she was to feel him grow inside of her. I hope the people who are dear to me knows how much I love them. I pray that I am resurrected to life. I hope I wasn’t a disappointment and that my failures serve as teaching points. I hope I would have made a difference in this world.
*To all the families who have lost loved ones to death as a complication of delivery, may the God of all comfort bring you peace.